Real story: I have anorexia, I survived

Health Tips

The heroine of our today’s story, Marina Budaeva, did not hide her face. And the body too. She not only survived extreme exhaustion, but also became a fitness trainer and promoter of a healthy lifestyle. And she knows what the constant “fight with excess weight” leads to.

How I started to lose weight

I was 14 years old when I first decided to “fight myself.” I rounded up earlier than my peers. I had hips and breasts, a big butt was drawn, and a thin waist emphasized this wealth too much. I didn’t find it beautiful. I wanted to be like all the girls, and all the girls in the class were like reeds.

I was ashamed of my femininity. Most of all I was embarrassed by men’s views – not boyish, but masculine. Men of 30 years old met me, they liked me, they complimented me. Now I understand that with a height of 162 and a weight of 53 kg, with hips of 90 cm, I was very appetizing. But then I was psychologically ill, I felt like a piece of meat, an object for vulgar looks, and I blamed my too-adult figure for all this. I wanted to have a thin, even body. And weigh 45 kg.

I was finally finished off by the words of my choreographer that it does not bother me to lose weight. And that’s it. I wanted to lose weight.

About how I started to lose weight

“Lose weight right”

I quickly figured out that sitting on hungry days is a breakdown. And I needed a lasting result. Of course, the Internet helped me, I read everything that was there on the topic “How to lose weight”, I put on myself all possible experiments. I know exactly how each technique works. It breaks my heart as I read this now, I know how “healthy eating” and “dietary advice” can kill someone who does it with discipline and zeal. I learned to count calories, I realized that if you eat 1000-1200 kcal per day and exercise, then the process goes on without much hunger.

A few months later, by graduation in the 9th grade, I already weighed 45 kg. At a weight of 49 kg, my menstrual cycle disappeared. Let me remind you that I started losing weight with 53 kg, that is, only 4 kg turned out to be critical for my women’s health. I naively thought that everything would be restored soon.

The family sounded the alarm, threatened not to let me go to the dances … I understood that they were right, but it was terribly sorry for the efforts spent. How is it to give up what has been achieved and deliberately get fat??? Not only did I not stop, but I also reduced the daily caloric intake to 900 kcal, as the body adapted to 1200 …

I remember how we went to the sea, where there were no scales for food, the usual low-fat foods and other things. My relatives hoped to fatten me up without “control instruments”, but the effect turned out to be the opposite: I was so afraid of gaining weight uncontrollably that I almost stopped eating and swam, swam, swam …

point of no return

This nightmare lasted for four years. I was dragged to the doctors, prescribed pills, I was hysterical … But even the diseases that attacked me one after another, the horrific test results, the spoiled skin of my face, could not convince me that I should eat. His head was spinning almost to the point of losing consciousness. The scales showed 37, a girl with a face turned into a red mess was looking at me from the mirror. There was not a millimeter of skin that was not covered with huge, painful pimples (which is why I didn’t take pictures – and now I can’t show you what a 37 kg female body looks like). My hands and feet were constantly cold. Things got really bad when I couldn’t get out of bed one morning. Then I realized that one more step – and the end. Later, after the examination, one of the doctors told my mother: “It is some kind of miracle that she stopped. A couple more kilograms, and she would not have been saved even under a dropper with glucose.

After that, I started to eat more or less normally. Exactly more or less – as far as my condition allowed. The stomach shrank to such a size that I had to eat small, but high-calorie portions and as often as possible. Otherwise, it hurt. I am still sure that they pulled me rolls with kefir before going to bed. That was the best thing to take in.

By the age of 18, my nightmare seemed to be over, I returned my starting 53 kg, a loved one appeared in my life, my cycle was restored, and I became happy.

Alas, this is not the end of the story.

Delayed Consequences

At the age of 19, I got poisoned, so much so that in a couple of days several kilograms flew off me. And the menstrual cycle immediately went astray again. That is, it has stopped. In fright, I quickly ate back, but he never returned. Doctors said that the body’s stress was superimposed on stress – and an excess of mass is needed in order for the reproductive function to recover. I ate up to 56 kg … It didn’t help.

I decided that since nothing has changed, I should at least return harmony. I signed up for a gym and joined the fashion trend of “Fitnessies”. Rocking chair, protein diet, drying, sports nutrition – all this has become sacred to me. I even trained as a sports nutritionist and fitness trainer, and at the moment I am successfully working in this area. My insanity lasted two years, I came to a weight of 50 kg, but not just by losing weight, but by gaining gorgeous relief muscles.

She got married … And again she began to go to the doctors, because she dreamed of pregnancy. All doctors (absolutely all!) assured that fatty tissue is not enough, that the body is in a state of deep stress and hormone therapy is needed.

On hormones, I recovered to 61.5 kg. Thanks to my husband, who not only supported, but did everything to make me feel comfortable in a new body. He sang praises and even made me believe that I feel better at this weight. He helped me overcome my food fears, because everything that did not belong to the category of “proper nutrition” caused me nervous attacks. I made incredible efforts to overcome fatphobia, saccharophobia and learn to eat carelessly, as in childhood, without thinking about calories. After six months of daily painful struggle, I became a normal person. I haven’t stepped on the scale for several months. Hormone therapy was successfully canceled for me, without pills my weight dropped to 59 kg and calmly stood at this weight without dietary control. To maintain the body, I started acupuncture and hirudotherapy, got acquainted with oriental medicine. The cycle was adjusted, the skin was cleared. Doctors say that the body is ready for pregnancy.

But I’m not ready yet. I definitely don’t want history repeating itself. There are no former anorexics – that’s for sure. The disease changes its forms, but remains deep in the head. In my case, it breaks out whenever I get stressed. She immediately forces me to take control of my diet, lifestyle – and the only way I can calm down. However, despite all the pain and destruction that the disease brought me, I am grateful to her. First, at the age of 15 I realized how important family is. When you feel bad, no one needs you but her. Secondly, it was my fanaticism that determined my profession. To the best of my ability, I try to educate the girls who come to me, explain what their desire to “lose 3 kg in a week” or lose weight by N kg can lead to, which, given their initial weight, can be critical for health and life. I clearly indicate where the line is not to be crossed, and I never take on those whose request is clearly contrary to medical indications.

In addition, I began to help those who already fell into the trap of anorexia. I communicate and correspond with them on forums and social networks. I try to support them and help them get out of this trouble. Only after going this way, I understand what a person is experiencing, and I can find the right words. And knowledge of nutrition gives me the opportunity to pull people out of this bottom.

Photo:, archive of the author

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